Stuck.

1. Describe the work you intend to pursue during the grant period.

For starters, I'll just tell you why that sentence stops me in my tracks. The grant period takes place in the future, approximately 7-10 months from now. With all due respect to artists who have a crystal clear vision of what their work will be about in advance, I do not. My work is responsive to the present and right now I'm working myself into a lather trying to even think about how to craft a paragraph that is descriptive of work I have not yet created in lieu of the fact that I am just now evaluating work I painted THIS year and on top of that, I have thrown myself the biggest wrench in the system ever by a) drastically changing scale and b) gadzooks- using imagery from real life. Even if I weren't at a crossroads in the studio, this question always feel like a ripe opp for some heavy BS and I'm so anti-bs right now.

2. What are the goals of the project?

This is actually a little easier. Although I can not yet articulate the work I intend to pursue, the visuals are registering in at about 95%, meaning I can roughly visualize the final project installed and ready for viewing. I know then, that it will have to do with some personal things, some technical things and successfully blending the two. Goals are things to aim for.

3. How will pursuing this work advance your artistic practice?

That's an easy one.

4. What are your motivations and methods?

Not terribly difficult, but still hearkens back to question #1 and #2.

5. Would you prefer we scrapped all this paperwork and set up an appointment for a mind- meld?

Most def.

Lollygagging for a day.

I spent the day lollygagging and shooting the breeze. Most of it was pleasant, though there was one unsettling occurrence. That’s the best word I can come up with for now. Nothing tragic or seriously disturbing, just odd. Not quite square peg in a round hole kind of odd, but odd enough that I’m still obsessing on how odd and I still don’t know what to make of it. Art World politics and decorum are not my strong suit, and possibly because of this, I try to be peripheral. I know it must sound strange to want to be marginal in a place where everyone is hoping to stand out and be #1, but when all is said and done, I’d rather be content with what I’ve done, rather than worrying about what other people thought or what kind of mark I should have been making. Not very playerish of me to fes that. I have no idea what it would be like NOT to have art be such a major part or THE focus of my life, (Well actually I do, there was a period where martinis and manhattans were a major focus, but I digress.) and yet, on occasion, I've been able to have meaningful conversations with a few select people about something other than art.

I so need a vacation. [refrain]

Yesterday was the last day of the semester. Yay! Tough 6 weeks, but they pulled through. I still have to calculate grades, hence today’s agenda of lollygagging. I did however spend time answering a former student’s email and was quite touched by the fact that he had sought out my response to a project he did for a design class he just completed. I won’t go into detail, but apparently he had caught quite a bit of flack from some “left-brain engineers” as he politely put it, about his choices, both conceptually and aesthetically, and he wanted to know my opinion. He sent me a jpeg, outlined the project and told me his rationale for what he did. I was happy to reply.

Usually I wait until the end of the semester to show images of my work. This semester, I did not offer that up at all. It seemed like a lost cause. I had a student this semester who told me she couldn’t see the still life because she had gotten tired and decided to draw slumped over with her head propped up on her elbow. A vortex of apathy, I tell you.

I so need a vacation. [refrain]

I have an appointment with the divorce lawyer next week. I cannot believe how long I’ve dragged this out due to mere procrastination. I have let moss grow on that part of my life. Change must be the answer.

I so need a vacation. [refrain]

Oh and I hate to spoil this, but if you’re hooked on "The Wire" and have not finished the series, turn away now.

Omar is dead. I thought I would be way more crushed when it happened. Of course I knew it was coming, and there was even a moment of foreshadowing that made it obvious how it would play out, but still, I imagined I’d feel the same way I did when Wild Bill got offed in Deadwood. I swore I wouldn’t continue watching the series. I did of course. And even when they show Omar in a body bag in the morgue, I had a moment of suspended disbelief in hopes his eyes would open and he'd wake up, only to realize it was “The Wire” after all, not “Lost” or “3o Days of Night.”

I so need a vacation. [refrain]

Those second thoughts in the middle of the night. (Repost with pictures)

Maybe the new paintings are too small.

Maybe they're too tight and organized.
Maybe they can't breathe.

Maybe I'm spending too much time working on them.

Maybe I'm nuts.

Maybe I shouldn't have pulled out that mag lamp which lets me see all the layers of paint as a microcosm.

Will someone talk me out of buying this?

Yes, this...It is a 6" x 8" Thumb Box on sale at Jerry's and ASW.


Who am I am kidding? I'm only a robot some of the time. Today I am the robot from Lost in Space. I have to go out of town tomorrow. I am still procrastinating on paperwork. blech. I'm still waiting to hear back for fall semester. I'm still slooooowly stretching and gessoing the linen canvases and I'm still making some brushstrokes or puddles or drips on a canvas while trying to sloooowly pull something into focus.

I've had my eye fixated on this 6" x 8" ThumbBox in a catalog sitting on my desk. The ultimate of diversions: fantasy shopping for art equipment I can live without.

It's the smallness of it. It's also- and this is rather pathetic- my version of a red Corvette during a mid-life crisis. Not really of course; it's on sale for under a hundred bucks. This small phase, I simply must address and rather soon. It's infiltrating my entire existence. It also appeals to my urge of taking my little paintings and working outside (maybe even 20 feet or more from the studio door) or perhaps even the front yard, just for show one day. I am also the proud owner of a white canopy. Or I could transform myself into a committed au plein air painter, only using abstraction. I already have a 1/2 french easel from when I taught a few plein air classes. And since I never used an easel until then, and since I rarely use one today, it seems like a perfectly justifiable purchase.

***
The mailman is here. I look forward to the mailman. I keep expecting good things to arrive in the mail.

Get your pre-flight separation cold-weather visiting mom for the holidays travel anxiety here NOW.

Yep. Today is the day I cast aside all my other identities and focus on being a daughter for the next few days.

Fun Facts:
I don't drink anymore, so getting loaded on the plane is out.
LAX to BNA is a 3-sharpie drawing flight.
I don't drink anymore, so getting loaded once I land is out.

Okay, that's enough of the fun facts.
My flight leaves this afternoon and I'm almost done packing. I have a hefty to-do list once I arrive, but it will get done. I need to shift focus and think about relaxing and being slightly social over the next few days.

Big surprise, I am slightly compulsive about making art. I always take my watercolor travel set and sharpies. I know what my next lino cut is going to be, so I can work on the sketches for that. I don't actually sketch, so that's just a phrase I'm loosely using. One of the sketches will BE the drawing. It's more a matter of spacing issues and which time I'll nail it without using a sissy ruler.

After Christmas, I will upload some new works to the Smaller Works site. Have been thinking about trying the eBay thing, but should first try sending out an email announcement telling people about the site. I also want to put some work priced in the $20-100 range but feel a little like I'm trying to have a fire sale when I think about pricing works simply to get them out of the flatfiles. Still, the flatfiles are full, so what the hell. Stay tuned for the fire sale, without the actual fire.